...who won the Heisman twice. - Archie who?
Hey, Bob, just cool it, okay? He didn't mean it.
The kid's right. This script sucks. Griffin, come here.
Why don't we just give Bob a chance to write the script?
Yeah, right.
- Bob, you ever written for television? - No.
See how perfect this is? We can get rid of the old hacks...
...that wrote this crap, get some fresh blood.
Are you suggesting that we bring in the bush...
- Yeah. ...to punch up the script?
Look, you gotta go with me on this. I got a good feeling about this guy.
I don't believe this. I just... l...
All right, everybody, that's, you know, that's a wrap.
Okay, folks, that's a wrap!
Congratulations...
...you're the new head writer. - Thanks.
Cher! Cher! No, no. No!
- Is your throat sore? Are you achy? - I'm just feeling a little run-down.
I was up all night studying lines with Walt, so that's probably what did it.
Is that why he got you the big teddy bear?
Yeah. He really went overboard this time.
Now, get some rest.
- And I'll see you tomorrow. - Okay.
Thanks for the "neo-tu-tong."
Bye-bye.
Jeez, I thought she'd never leave.
- I am a terrible person. - I don't know why you're doing this.
- Why don't you just tell her? - You're right. The time has come.
You know?
By the way, I gotta give you some credit for bringing Moe on as a writer.
He's really given the Beaze character some dignity, you know?
I don't want to be an actor who takes a role and ends up looking like an ass.
Know what I mean?
I just can't believe this. It's like a miracle.
- It's not a miracle. Walt's a great actor. - Yeah, but Bob can't act.
- How are they gonna pull this off? - Hush. It's starting.
- Hey! - Watch the show, you dumb-shit!
Miss Garret, there's a Mack Beasley here to see you.
I don 't know any Mack Beasley. Get rid of him.
- I'm sorry. I told him not to... - Are you Honey Garret?
Just who the hell do you think you are, barging in here?
I figured I had a right.
According to this cocktail napkin, I'm half owner of this law firm.
- Where did you get this? - Won it off a drunk at a poker game.
That drunk happens to be my ex-husband.
- I can see what drove him to the bottle. - You son of a...
I meant losing a beautiful squaw like you would drive any man to the firewater.
- You see that? That was Bob. - Where?
- He was right there. - You got farts in your head.
- I'm telling you, I saw his nose! - I'll keep this...
- There he is again. - It is his honker!
- Yeah, that's him. That's him. - Oh, my, Bob looks very good.
He's lost a little weight and he... Nice tan.
With Chromakey, the camera picks up every color except for blue.
To the audience at home, you don't exist.
Hey, Bob, put your mask down. Check it out.
Wow.
I look incredible. Look at that.
What the hell is this?
Oh, we're giving Walt a chance to spread his wings.
- Well, he was doing just fine before. - Well, now he'll do even finer.
Barney. Check out what I'm doing to Cher's butt.
Hey.
- You like that, huh? - Put some junk in her trunk.
- Can I talk to you in private? - Sure, Cher.
Don't you realize how morally repugnant and politically incorrect it is...
...to hide Walt's God-given Siamese-ness?
Your concern is very touching, Cher, but let's live in the real world.
America isn't ready for that. Besides, Bob doesn't want to act.
I just don't believe Bob should be cut out.
- We do. - You seen today's trades?
Listen to this:
"Despite its generic title, Honey and the Beaze should generate solid buzz.
With snappy writing that pokes fun at an all-too-familiar genre...
...show deserves to find an audience." - Hey!
"Newcomer Walt Tenor's inspired turn as cocky but sensitive...
...biochemist Mack Beasley more than compensates for a lackluster perf...
...by Cher and indifferent direction by actor-turned-helmer Griffin Dunne.
Tech credits are run-of-the-mill."
It's a rave, guys!
- Great. - Son of a gun.
This baby may just make it.
Oh, excuse me, Miss Cher.
There's a few fans outside hoping for autographs.
All right, but I'm not taking any pictures.
- No, no, no... - What's this?
Shit, it's just Cher.
Sorry, I should have specified. They're looking for Walt. Seen him?
Hey, lady, can you go get the Beaze for us?
We want Beaze! We want Beaze! We want Beaze!
Hey. You wouldn't happen to know if Bob was alone, would you?
I highly doubt it.
Okay.
Bob?
Hello?
I've got a surprise for Mr. Sick-in-Bed.
Oh. I'm sorry. I was looking for Bob.
What? What? May?
Oh, my God.
You're not brothers, you...
No, May, no! It's not what you think!
May!
May, wait! Wait! May!
It's not what you think. Listen to me.
I don't have to listen to anything. I have eyes!
Well, then use them.
Oh, my God.
Please...
...don't go.
I wonder what she's got under that hood.
I'm really sorry, Bob.
It's not your fault.
Don't worry. She'll be back.
Where else is she gonna find a guy like you?
I don't know. Chernobyl?
Don't worry, boys. We're gonna hit this thing head-on.
- What thing? - Someone ratted you out, boys.
It's gonna be all over the 5:00 news.
Cronkite's gonna have a field day with this.
In the wake of the startling revelation that Walt Tenor...
...of Honey and the Beaze is a conjoined twin...
...sponsors are running for the hills.
Let's get out of here before Johnny Press comes sniffing around.
Come on. What are you waiting for?
We stand firmly by our decision to hire Mr. Tenor.
Sadly, the realities of our business template are such...
...that with the loss of our sponsors...
...we are forced to halt production until further notice.
We will, however, run the final three episodes, as scheduled.
Here's the plan. We're gonna canvass all 48 states with denials.
Now, I'm giving you the same advice I gave Hudson in '56.
Deny, deny, deny.
Right. Deny what?
That there's two of you where one should be.
I got a better idea.
Who asked you, Trixie? These are my clients. They'll do as I say.
Wait, what's your idea?
Hey, hey, hey, what is this, a minute-iny?
It's really simple.
Don't "deny, deny, deny."
Embrace.
You know Walt Tenor from the series Honey and the Beaze.
His secret is out. You all know it. He's here to share it.
Please welcome Walt and Bob Tenor. Come on out here, guys.
- Good to see you. - All right.
Have a seat.
Have a seat, gentlemen.
- Thanks for coming. - Thank you. This is great.
Let's get right to it.
How do you iron and fold a pair of pants with four legs on it?
- We take turns. - He thinks we do.
His memory's so bad I always say it's his turn.
- My memory's not bad. - Come on.
Sometimes I think he'd forget his own brother if I wasn't sewed on.
I understand you're an athlete.
I'm told you were all-state hockey goal... Oh, you were! Oh, okay!
You were an all-state hockey goalie.
But Walt was honorable mention.
- Oh, okay. - Oh, come on.
He carried me.
- Dude, I gotta ask. - Yes?
What if you have to go to the bathroom at the same time?
It's actually harder when only one of us has to go.
- What? - Go to sleep.
You got a geography test tomorrow.
Oh, nice ball, Walter.
Yes!
- Awesome. - Very good. Very good.
- Play something else. - No.
- Come on, Walt. Come on. - No, no, that's all I got.
Walt, this is from the management. We're all big fans of your work.
Oh, well, forward on a big thank-you on to the management from the Beaze.
I will.
Can you believe all this?
It's awesome.
I'm really happy for you, Walt.
Hey, look at the chickadee passing through the room there.
She thinks she's so hot.
Hey, maybe you ought to go over and work some of your magic.
Huh? Come on, just go over and say hi.
You're a free bird. Start taking advantage of this.
- No, no. - She's checking you out.
- I don't want to. - Back up.
- Seriously, I don't want to. - Go over there. Say hi...
Stop it!
I said I don't want to. What is the matter with you?
I was just fooling around.
I'm out of here.
Well, I've been thinking a lot lately.
Yeah?
About?
I think we should do it.
Okay.
What are we gonna do?
The operation.
What?
Yeah. Yeah, I don't think either of us is gonna really be happy...
...until we've just done it.
Are you crazy? I have never seen you happier. You have a career.
I'm a gimmick, not an actor.
We've been over this a million times. Forget it.
And for the record, I'm perfectly happy with how I am.
No, you're not. You're in love with May.
Only you two don't stand a chance...
...until you can learn to stand on your own two feet.
You know, if that's how she feels, then, you know, the hell with her.
No, no, this isn't how she feels, Bob.
This is about how you feel.
You're the one who couldn't tell her the truth.
- No, okay... - And let me finish.
Just think about this.
Imagine playing a round of golf alone.
Slow dancing with a woman without me breathing down your neck.
Masturbating in private the way the good Lord intended.
What are you talking about?
Come on, last night was like sleeping next to a paint shaker.
It is... It's not that simple. I mean...
- Look, I always wanted... - I want that operation.
- I won't do it. - Yeah, you'll do it.
- No, I won't do it. - You'll do it.
I'm not gonna give my consent. That is final.
You will do it. Barkeep, can I get a shot and a Bud over here?
Oh, very mature. It's not even noon.
- May I? - Sure.
- Thank you. All right. - Oh, terrific.
We'll do it your way.
But I'll tell you what.
You better sit back, take your foot off the brake...
...fasten your seat belt. Thank you.
- We're gonna go for a hell of a ride. - Come on!
That's unfair. I'm gonna be the one dealing with that tomorrow.
Yes! You are correct!
Bob, Peachie's working her way through med school.
You gotta admire that!
This is crazy. I should be driving.
Yeah. All right, Walt.
Good news, milady.
Thou noble prince hath arrived... She's got a mace!
Sorry!
My cornea!
Pretty sure I had some Visine in here.
Can you identify the man that stole your purse, ma'am?
I think it's the Siamese twins in the middle, but I can't be certain.
Pisses me off when you celebrities get off so easy.
I'm getting off?
I can't pin anything on you so we gotta let you go.
- Oh, great. - Thank you, kind sir.
You're spending the night with us. You've been charged with a DUI.
What? I didn't even drink anything.
Well, hotshot blew a.20. Divide that by two and you're both legally drunk.
- And since you were driving, let's go. - Oh, no, come on, that's just silly.
Lock down!
Good. Sure you don't want a bite?
I'm fine.
Roast beef.
- End cut. - I don't want any.
Hey, Hollywood. How's it feel to be a free man?
You must feel pretty good.
Being able to come and go as you please.
Seriously, Walt. Visiting hours are over in 10 minutes. Let's wrap it up.
Gorgeous day.
You know what? That's it.
I'm not going another step until you apologize to me.
Hey, did you hear me?
Hey, don't you walk away from me. Did you hear what I said?
- Don't you walk a... - Yeah, you better run!
You want some of this? Come on. You want some?
- Come on! - Come on, little brother.
- Want some action? - Come on. Come here.
Okay.
Okay, I'll do it.
- What? - I'll do it.
I'll do it if it's what you really want.
I'll get the operation.
It's what I want.
That's good.
Nice!
- Nice! - Hey, that's good right there.
- Yeah! - Get it, get it, get it!
Oh, right there!
Well, that's good.
There you go.
- My God. - I do impersonations.
Good evening, everybody, I'm Ted Koppel...
...just outside Madison Square Garden with the former champ Mike Tyson.
- How does it feel? - My defense is impregnable.
My offense is impetuous...
I'm gonna hit him so hard.
Tonight, and forgive me for sounding overzealous on this one particular point...
...Bob and Walt Tenor, two dips hits stuck together.
Bob. Bob. Turn around. You got a visitor.
Hi, Bob.
Hi, May.
Look, I was hoping we could have a word in private.
I mean, just the three of us.
Yeah, okay.
Excuse us.
- Hi, May. - Hi.
Oh, sorry.
I have a book on tape.
I'm ashamed of myself.
The way I reacted.
No, come on, it's not...
It was my fault.
I really could have sprung this on you a little better.
Anyway, it's not gonna be an issue anymore.
We decided to get separated.
- What? No! - No.
It's time.
You don't have to do that.
Look, this is a hard thing for anyone to handle.
- Bob, but that doesn't... - May.
I saw the look in your eye that day.
Well, of course.
I was surprised.
You lied to me for three years.
But I thought about this a lot.
It doesn't matter.
Wait a second, so you're...?
You're saying that you could have a relationship...
...even with this?
It's a speed bump.
I love you.
I love you just as you are.
Both of you.
Well, the thing about this operation...
...is that I'm not doing it just for me and you.
I'm doing it for him also.
That Robert Evans, he banged them, didn't he?
He banged them all.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Go ahead and talk amongst yourselves.
Jesus.
Guys! Guys! Don't go! Please, don't go.
The latest Nielsens came out this morning.
Honey and the Beaze is number one.
We're doing it.
If you guys go ahead with this, you're committing career suicide.
They said the same thing when Erik Estrada quit CHiPs.
You're shitting me. He quit?
Promise me you'll be here when I wake up.
I promise.
I love you, Bob.
I love you too, Walt.
Miss Fong.
Miss Mercedes.
Look...
...I don't quite know how to tell you guys this...
...but we lost them.
Dr. Carson, good news. We found Bob and Walt.
- Someone took them upstairs. - Oh, fantastic.
By the way, the operation was a smashing success.
Gentlemen, we have visitor for you.
How do I look?
You look beautiful.
What am I, chopped liver?
Actually, yeah.
Where to, fellas?
This is good. Yeah, this is good, Dan.
- We'll take it from here. - All right.
- I'm gonna get a soda. Want anything? - No.
No, Bob. You wait here.
I'll be right back.
I'm alone.
Great, buddy. You gonna stay that way too.
Oh.
Hey, May!
Hi.
Bob, would you like to come inside?
Yeah.
- It's great to have you back, Walt. - Thank you. Thanks.
- Hi. Thank you. Thanks. - Great to see you, kiddo.
You look terrific. Good to have you back.
Hey, how's Bob doing?
Oh, he's, he's, he's good. He's good, I guess. I guess.
He's been staying at his girlfriend's place.
I haven't seen him for a few days.
Which is a first.
- Hey, you lose weight? You look thinner. - Oh, no l...
Oh, yeah.
So listen, Walt. Browse through that, all right?
We're gonna do a quick run-through in Honey's office. Okay?
- Okay. - Welcome back.
Right.
- Come on, Walt, it's not that big a deal. - Moving back East isn't a big deal?
It's not like we're not gonna see each other.
You're still gonna come visit, right? I'm gonna still be out here visiting you.
Well, whose idea was it?
It was both of ours.
May and I had a talk and we couldn't think of one good reason not to do it.
Oh, not one good reason. Wow.
Come on, Walt. You know I'm not cut out for this big-city life.
I'm a burger flipper from Oak Bluffs, Massachusetts.
And May, in her heart, she's still just a girl from "Ching-Pah-Tu-Neigh," China.
We're small-town people.
That's where we're gonna be happy.
You sure you're not rushing into this a little?
I love her.
What?
I love her.
- Set. - And background.
And action!
Okay, Beasley, give us the DNA and we'll give you the girl.
I don't know what you're talking about.
The smegma from the dead hooker's perineum. Our boss wants it.
- Okay, take it easy. - Hand it over.
All right. I got it right here.
Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!
- What was that? What was that? - Sorry.
I lost my bearings. I missed my, you know.
Because this thing, you know? That's not scary.
- Does this scare you? - No.
- No. All right? - Yeah.
- Let's take a break, everybody. - Let's take 15.
Props. I need more perineum smegma.
- Are you okay, Walt? - Yeah.
Good.
You suck, Bob!
Bob, why don't you try standing in the middle of the goal.
Bob, I ordered this well-done.
This has still got a pulse.
Toss it here.
Do it!
Bob, the guys on 11 are really hungry. Where's the food?
- How much time do I got? - You're already 14 minutes over.
What are...? What are they bitching about? They're gonna get a free meal.
Hey, Bob, get the lead out of your ass.
- Hey, up yours, Rocket! - Oh, nice comeback.
Honey? Can I help?
No, would you just give me a second to just get my rhythm back?
I'm sorry.
Here. I'm sorry.
I'm just... Just a little frustrated.
Okay, I'm gonna get back to work.
What's a three-letter word for man's best friend?
- Tit? - No, I tried that already.
I'm telling you, I might've gotten brain damage from that surgery.
I used to be able to knock these things out in 20 minutes.
Hey, Walt, seeing that the show's on hiatus and all...
...why don't you go visit Bob? - April, the show's not on hiatus.
It was canceled.
Well, then you should go. Take a road trip.
No.
I thought about that. I don't want to rain on their parade, you know.
They need a little time alone.
Those are ugly, and these are kind of nice, and those are...
No, stay.
Stay.
What's the matter, kid? You got allergies?
Oh, hi.
You know, you shouldn't be so blue, Tenor.
You're a good actor. You're gonna find another gig.
Yeah. Yeah.
I know.
Here.
You really miss him, huh?
Well, I know how you feel.
My boyfriend just went off to college.
It doesn't make any sense.
I thought you'd have, like, a million offers on the table.
You're amazing, Cher. You're a brilliant actress.
You know, maybe I had it coming, you know? Bad karma.
Bad karma? You?
I could have been a little bit nicer to you guys.
No, no, no, you were a total sweetheart from the get-go.
No, I wasn't. I was a total bitch with a capital C.
What are you talking about?
You could win like a humanitarian award for the things you did for me.
Are you crazy, Walt? I didn't even...
Why, is there talk of me getting one?
No. Figure of speech.
I don't know. I still think I could've done more.
No, stop it, Schindler. You're way too hard on yourself.
Really. You did everything that you could do. I'm grateful.
Anyway...
I guess I gotta figure out what to do next.
Well, can I give you some advice?
- Yeah. - This is what you have to do.
You have to ask yourself:
"What is the thing I love to do most in the world?"
And then you have to do it.
Boozing with Cher.
Bob, do you mind if Rocket and I take off a little early?
He wants to see the squid boats come in.
Yeah, sure, Mimmy, that's fine.
Thank you.
Rocket, come on.
- Come on, let's get out of here. - Bye, Bob.
You fag.
Let's go fishing.
Order's up.
All right, one order of fries coming up.
Shoots.
Guys, get out of here. Show starts in an hour. I'll finish up. Come on. Go.
- Thanks, Mim. - Thanks, Mim.
- Hey, break a leg. - Yeah.
- You look good. - Serious?
There you are. Where you guys been?
- Sorry, our fault. - Hard to move so fast right now.
- Come on. The crowd's getting restless. - Okay. See you guys after the show.
- Hey, don't screw up. - Right.
Here we go.
Hold it right there.
And keep your hands where I can see them, Mr. Barrows.
You too, Miss Bonnie.
Hey. What's going on?
These gentlemen of the law have mistakenly thought that we're...
...the notorious criminals Bonnie and Clyde.
You know how often we hear we resemble that murderous pair?
We're just a couple of musicians, boys. Name's Elvin Williams. My missus, Ellie.
If so, why don't you play a tune?
We got a house band you could use. They ain't half bad.
- No, that won't work. I got... - He can't sing.
- Bad throat. Something... - No practice. You got polyps.
Either you sing a song, or you're under arrest, Elvin and Ellie.
Attaboy, Rocket!
Well, perhaps just one song.
What? You can't...
- What are you doing? - I don't know.
Well, do something.
All right, I got an idea. Just go with me.
Oh, will you just hurry up?
Come on!
Excuse me for one second. I want to tell all of you...
...this has really, really been a joy to be on this set, I'll tell you.
It's a... A month ago, I didn't even... I did...
I had serious reservations about this. I said:
"Am I doing the right thing?" Well, thanks to my niece...
...who I love very much... Thank you, Melissa, you...
Thank you a million, honey. You told me to go for it, and I'm going for it now.
I wanna thank all of you.
I wanna thank this magnificent...
These magnificent people for the dancing.
I have never in my life seen more magnificent dancing.
I wanna thank the band.
I wanna thank Meryl Streep, and Greg Kinnear...
...and Matt Damon for putting up with me.
I wanna thank Peter and Bobby Farrelly, who believed in me 1000%.
I wanna thank Bradley Thomas, and I wanna thank...
Of course, there is one other person.
Thank you, Barbara, for putting up with me for 15 years.
And, oh, yes, and Mom, I love you.
Cheryl, thank you for your fabulous 45 record collection.
And, oh, yes, and David, thank you for your absolute joy.
Matty, thank you for delivering my brand-new little baby niece to me.
My fifth generation.
And, oh, yes, and dear old Dad, I miss you most of all.
I wish you were here. Unfortunately, he cannot be here today...
...but he's with us in spirit. And I miss you so much. Thank you.
Thank you.
Subtitles by SDI Media Group
(Subtitle Revised by HchC)